Hello good sir, could I interest you in donating to the noble cause of helping me support my poor disabled ward? Every coin in the coffer counts toward-
Wendigo, no! Stop it! Drop it!
Eewww. Now even a convenience store robber wouldn't want those. Go ahead, then. They're yours.
See the cards life has dealt him? And me by proxy, for having the patience for him when no one else did. Oh please, can't you spare just a little something? Just enough to cover the costs from last minute's, uh, incident, perhaps? Just enough so as we don't have to go home in the negatives? You see there was this little boy with an ice cream cone, and his mother was very upset, and they wouldn't take an "I am sorry" in exchange for it, and that came out of my pocket! Oh what am I saying, it all comes out of my pocket.
I asked the government for help once, you know. They rejected him like everyone else in this wicked world before I came along. Said they didn't count Puma Boys under minorities or disabilities.
Yes, you heard that right. Puma Boy.
Such a tragedy is the start of life for your average Puma Boy. Orphaned in the worst possible way- abandoned as a babe in the forest by heartless parents to die of exposure! By chance my ward was fortunate enough to be picked up by a pack of pumas and cherished as their own cub.
That might have been the end of it if it were not for the puma's notorious snobbery. They taught him to bathe himself with his tongue, a skill which, as you can surely smell, is not conducive to the human condition. With your generous donation, I will be that much closer to publishing an educational picture book for him which will explain in the funnest and most colorfullest way possible that as a human being, not a cat, he out to take proper baths.
Anyway, back to those persnickety pumas. He grows up and learns their ways and does everything right, and what thanks does he get? They expect him to be able to do something about the smell, after teaching him that water burns like acid if it gets on your fur! How was he supposed to do anything about it? I defy you to find a person capable of competing with the spinal gymnastics of a puma!
Scorned for his savage stench, he became the pariah of puma society. He would still be out there all on his lonesome if it weren't for a little miracle called me.
I found him whilst camping in the woods, I did. From the moment he laid eyes on me and said, "GraaRAARGH!" in that sad way of his I knew some sort of curious connection had formed. I'll tell ya, there's nothing quite so pitiful as a put-upon puma. Breaks a guy's heart into a bazillion little pulsating pieces, it does. I myself am childless, and here was this lonely man who seemed a mere child in mind to me. He confirmed it when we got home and he jammed a piece of peanut butter jelly sandwich up his nose.
I am no linguist, so it took me a while to teach him English when all he had been speaking til' that point was Puma. Google Translate helped.
Oh! Fun fact- did you know that pumas have French accents? I never noticed it until Wendigo's English came out sounding awfully funky. Now when we go to the zoo to visit his cousins I can detect just a hint of it in every "Grrr!" and "Yaaawl!" Isn't nature wacky?
I never like seeing his cousins, though. Reminds me too much of all they put him through. Did you know that pumas don't even give their cubs names? Talk about making your kids feel worthless! I mean, I know they were trying to raise him under proper puma protocol, but they must have known he was human! Cats are supposed to be smart, right? So there he was, scarred for life with no sense of identity and even his very species in question. I say the first step to being human is having a name, so as soon as I could tell him this we got right down to it.
I wanted something special to represent how special he is, in uh, more ways than the obvious. I finally alighted upon Wendigo, which is short for "When did he have time to go do that?" I was just sitting at the kitchen table one night, idly stitching the drapes back together, when it hit me. Pretty clever, huh?
Ah, such a feisty fellow, but I love him. Couldn't ask for a better manchildcat-thing. His antics are both adorable and entertaining. Why, I still get a chuckle every time I remember the day he got into the neighbor's deer sanctuary and ate all the little fawns they had rescued after poachers shot their mothers. With your generous donation, I will be one step closer to paying the court fees.
Hey, where are you-
Well that's just great. Why is everyone in this stupid city prejudiced against Puma Boys?
Wendigo- stay! Good boy.
Sir? Sir! I'll have you know that it is a perfectly normal puma behavior! We would've won if I could've afforded a real lawyer! With your generous donation…